Enter the dragon mother

Watch out, tiger mothers – dragon mother is here.

Ever wondered how Chinese parents raise such successful children? Just ask Amy Chua, author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother.

Before its release earlier this month, Chua’s book unleashed a tsunami of controversy. In an article for the Wall Street Journal, she gives a snapshot from the book describing the Chinese way of parenting.

Here are some of the things her children were never allowed to do:

• attend a sleepover
• have a playdate
• be in a school play
• complain about not being in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin.

Amy Chua simply confirms the suspicions that most of us already held. Extreme academic success may indeed be bred by intense hothousing. Ban sleepovers, burn soft toys, and throw shoddy handmade cards back in your children’s faces. Shut down every other avenue of activity for them other than the subjects and pursuits that you select, turn up the pressure cooker and – voila, a perfectly prepared candidate for law school (substitute with profession of your choosing – medicine is an option here).

Amy has emphasized in interviews (including a spot on the Colbert Report) that her book is a memoir, not an instruction manual. Towards the end of the book she has a major showdown with one of her daughters, and decides to pull back from the ‘tiger mother’ position – a little.

Two things strike me from reading Amy Chua’s description of her parenting style.  Firstly, she expected her daughters to work hard, but she was right there in the trenches with them, working through test papers and listing to piano practice hour after excruciating hour, across days, weeks, years.

Secondly, I take her point that ‘one of the worst things you can do for your child’s self-esteem is to let them give up.’ In the West (and I’m speaking broadly here: as Amy points out, there is no simple divide between ‘Chinese’ and ‘Western’ parenting styles), we are obsessed by the search for ease and happiness. That’s why we get completely broadsided when something goes wrong: illness, redundancy, conflict.  We don’t prepare our children well for bad outcomes – we’re too busy looking for someone to blame when things don’t go our way.

Virtues starting with the letter P don’t get much of an airing these days. I’m thinking about patience, persistence and perseverance. Let’s face it, all three are seriously unsexy because they are plain hard work. But it’s qualities like this that shine through in dire situations such as the recent floods in Queensland: people working long into the night to shovel mud out of a strangers’ home. That’s what is inspiring, and that is the glue that binds a community. If we fail to nurture these qualities in our children, our world will be the lesser for it.

Amy and I have a few things in common: we are both in our forties, with daughters called Sophia. I must say, her two daughters look remarkably calm and balanced in the press photos, all things considered.

Will I start parenting my two daughters the ‘tiger mother’ way? No. The family life that Amy Chua describes seems to me extreme, harsh and obsessive.  I’m not about to tell my girls that they are ‘garbage’ if they diss me. Nor have a ‘screaming, hair-tearing explosion’ if a child of mine comes home with a B on their report card.

But maybe I’ll expect the best from my children rather than always expecting the best for my children.