Mummy’s having a temper tantrum

I have a terrible temper. Mostly I think people would see me as very calm; I have been surprised from time to time by friends and colleagues describing me as serene; I’ve even been called ‘majestic’ on one occasion.  But when I lose it, I lose it. Big time.

The other week I had planned a shopping trip with daughter number two. She is very picky about her clothes and will only wear a very compact selection of t-shirts and leggings, so any chance I get to have her choose her own is to be snatched up. We had also agreed to stop by the supermarket to buy jelly crystals, inspired by watching a film in which ‘jello’ featured. Daughter number one decided to come with us at the last minute. But just as we were driving up the road, she let rip with a whinge. ‘I want to go to the other supermarket!’ she moaned, naming a centre in precisely the opposite direction of where I was heading. For some reason, this just pressed all the wrong buttons for me. I had a plan, and now someone was messing with it. I pulled the car to the side of the road and screeched to a halt. (I hasten to add it was a quiet side street and I did check the rear mirror for other cars first.) ‘Do you really think it MATTERS which supermarket we go to?’ I snarled. Bethany started to apologise, clearly quite frightened by my sudden reaction, but I was in full swing by now. ‘Right, Forget it, we’re going home.’ I hauled the car into a U-turn and drove back home. I pulled into the driveway, realising that I was being an idiot and overreacting, but still too hyped to back down. I launched into a string f rhetorical questions: ‘what’s important here? Does it matter which supermarket we go to? Is it important for us to buy jelly at all today? Aren’t we meant to be shopping for clothes?’ Brave Bethany quietly pointed out that she knew that this particular supermarket had the type of jelly we wanted. Bless her – that tiny piece of reason gave me a chance to climb off my high horse. Off we went to her chosen supermarket, then had a very successful clothes-buying session.

Sometimes I scare myself when I lose my temper like that. I can feel the heat rising inside my skull. I know that I am losing control, but by the time I know that, it’s too late: I just can’t stop myself.

Lara is another mother who struggles with the temper thing. If there was one thing she would like to change about her parenting, she says, it’s learning some better ‘frustration techniques’. She would love to know how to keep her cool when she is stressed. Lara’s husband travels a lot for work; he is overseas or interstate about one week in four. With three children under six, there’s plenty for Lara to be frustrated about. She is very organised and solution-focused; the chaos that is part of the territory of parenting doesn’t come naturally to her.

Our anger over the details of daily life may seem trivial. But at the pointy end of anger, it can be a toxin that spreads and infects the lives around us. If you’ve ever spent time with a profoundly angry person, you’ll know how all-pervading and insidious it can be. It shows up in common and everyday forms as gossip, insults, a martyr complex, grudges, as well as on a grander scale as domestic violence, road rage and knifings in the school yard.

Peace advocate and Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Thanh has some advice for cooling the flames. He advises that you embrace the howling baby of our anger with tenderness: ‘My dear anger, I know you are there, I am taking good care of you.’ Using other images to help, he recommends seeing our rage as potatoes that need to be cooked or as garbage that needs to be turned into nourishing compost.

The answer to anger doesn’t lie in burying it. That just makes your hot emotions congeal into a cold grudge or resentment. We need to face off our anger: don’t try to deny it, block it out, or even analyse it – not yet. Let it rise, feel it, sit with it, become it. That’s when you will really know what the anger is all about. And that is when you can take that amazing energy and turn it into something else – determination, conviction, courage.

What presses your buttons as a parent? What makes you angry? How do you get through it/over it?